Two more hours and New Year is about to come. I am in front of the screen, crying. I always hope that I survive each day I wake up. It has been a month since this feeling started. I would always wake up full of anxiety. I cannot forget those first two weeks where I would cry every day while preparing myself for work and after I finished another day and arrived at home, I would go immediately to my room to cry and just cry until I am too tired to cry. I had those thoughts, a gun on my head, cut my wrists, drink those liquids in bottles I can find in my room, but I resist. I don’t want to die. It’s not my thing. I just had those thoughts as a means of escape, but I just know I won’t do any of them. I couldn’t forget that time while going for work when even inside the public vehicle, I can’t help myself, but to cry. Even while walking inside the building towards my workplace, I want to stop and lean on the walls and just cry. I did my best to push myself while having so much tears on my face. I always think, maybe, I have this -depression. I don’t know if I have it. I haven’t been to the doctor who specializes in this field. I tried to buy fish oil. I read it helps. It somehow helps, but the cycle started again. It’s still here. I have to go through this again. It’s in my bones. It’s in my head. They are not going away. They are present in every cells of my body. I remember that morning when I just woke up. Everyone went to the wet market and while I was on my bed, I know it’s about to happen again. Just the very minute when everyone was away, I closed the door and can’t help, but to cry out loud. Something is so wrong with me. I always write on my notebook, help me. I wish someone could help me. I’m doing my best to survive. I hope I can survive. I want to be free. I want to genuinely smile and make deep connections with everyone. I want to be happy again. I want to feel the warmth of the sun on my skin. I want to see the colors of the leaves, clouds, and everything around me. I want to feel alive. I want to be aware of the life that surrounds me especially the life that is within me.
Tag: Depression
Walking Depression
Life is empty
Everything is
just existing
I just go by
In and out
through the motion
What the hell am I?
What is life then?
If I have to live
my life like this
like a robot
I am not meant to be
doing the same thing
everyday
again and again
Is this my worth?
I am, my soul,
My soul, I am
looking for something
bigger than myself
that which
makes me alive
To feel the touch
of full and
vibrant life
To feel that
I am truly living
I was born to live
I was not born to die
© Sarah Jane Amparo
In The Midst of Depression
She was holding a gun
pointed at her head
and pulled the trigger
She swayed that image
in her head
She was staring off
into space having
these thoughts,
I just want God to
help me, but I don’t
know where He is
Sometimes, I don’t
know what to say anymore
No one can help me, but
myself
I don’t know myself
anymore
To be wet with tears
To cry helplessly
To be silent and
just cry
Not even encouraging words
can make me feel better
It’s just a bubble that
works for a while
Snap! and gone
Baby, baby notebook
I can rest in you
Maybe, someday, I will
just revisit this
I just want to let you know
I will be okay
Unleash the inner voice 