Is it just me? Sometimes, when I lie down on my bed and think, I feel like my life has no meaning and purpose. I lack the motivation to live and I wonder why I end up thinking and feeling like this. Am I sick? It’s as if there’s nothing new, I mean I lose the wonder in everyday living and even if there’s something to be excited about, I find it hard to be happy. It’s easier for me to be lonely and sad. While I try hard to change my thoughts and teach my brain not to dwell on negative thoughts and emotions, I am overpowered by this dry spell. How long this dry spell will hold me? I thought I will start to feel alive by the time I quit that job, but it’s not enough. There can be a more serious reason and underlying cause which I have to figure out and treat immediately. I took out my journal notebooks and scanned through the pages, 75% of what I wrote is how sad I felt for over a year. I’m still writing and feeling the same thing. It’s a never ending cycle. I’m tired of living, but I don’t want to die.
Tag: Life
Forgotten
I walk towards my workplace
My eyes turns suddenly
at the corner of the building
An old woman does something
on the green grass
She stands not wearing
anything underneath and
holds a little piece of
white fabric
I think I am right all along
when I handed you the bill
the first time I saw you,
I guess you no longer know
how to use it
You were sitting on the floor
looking at the road while
listening to the loud sound of the
passing cars or you could just be
staring into empty space
having messy and thick hair,
oily face, dry and grimy skin,
wearing shabby clothes
Looking deep into the windows of your
soul, it seems you are already
out of touch of the world you live in
Why you end up being a wandering mendicant?
What happened? What is your story?
What is going on in your mind
when you were still of sound mind
having to endure the pangs of hunger,
sweltering heat of the sun,
freezing cold night,
heart-squeezing loneliness,
homelessness, anxiety, surviving day
and night facing the unknown
and uncertainties of life?
How do you now see the world?
A world once full of joy and love
when you were delicate and young, but
has now turned into a dark place
You reminded of someone dear to my heart,
My mom, who I think is of the same age as yours
The later years of your life
won’t be spent with your loved ones
beside you brings immense grief
and melancholia
Early morning, I’m on my way to work
Will I see you again?
When I arrived, you are out of sight
I thought I would still see you
on the same spot, but not even
a trace can be found
As I’m writing this,
I hope wherever you are,
you have found a
better place to stay
and still safe
© Sarah Jane Amparo
Heart screams for another thing
It is 5:30 in the morning
She gets off from the jeepney
No one is around
Everything is still dark
except for the light posts
She walks in the silence of the dawn
She hears only her footsteps
She now sees few people walking
in the direction of the building
where she is going
She just keeps on walking
while looking into that
long pavement
Five more minutes before
she arrives into the office
A memory flashes in her mind
She was still studying
She was full of excitement, hopes,
and dreams
Now, she is walking alone
going to her workplace
All the excitement, expectations, and
hopes fade away
All of those thoughts she had
for her future flew and run away
This is reality
She starts to question her existence
The energy she is supposed to have
left her already just
before she starts the day
Her brain tells her legs, just keep on going
“I lost my identity”
She is just another human being
paid to do a job
stuck in a routine,
eight hours a day,
six days a week
“I’m still breathing,
I’m still alive”
This, she keeps on telling herself
but, it’s as if she fell
into a dark, deep hole
trying her best to survive,
climb up, and reach that
open and wide space
where she can breathe and be free
where she can be alive
where the excitement, hopes,
and dreams are restored
Moving closer to the entrance,
she is about to enter again
this structure, a box, with a group
of people following orders and will
be doing the same thing over and
over again for the rest of their lives
Her spirit wants to break free, but
for now, it needs to abide and be tamed
Her bones lost its vigor
The strength of her body is like
that of a sick person
Her mind accumulated high levels of
anxiety and stress
Her face has become a wilted rose
Her soul has become a fallen dry leaf
but, her heart is still dreaming..
A voice inside her is still dreaming
“I have to fight for this dream”
The voice says, “Expect a mediocre life
if you will do nothing about your dreams
and continue living within the norm”
There is no other time, but now
You are meant for greater things
Go and follow your heart
and so after few days,
she made a decision
It’s now or never
She gave the letter
She didn’t prolong the agony
it was a resignation letter
© Sarah Jane Amparo
It’s a Terrible Place to be
Two more hours and New Year is about to come. I am in front of the screen, crying. I always hope that I survive each day I wake up. It has been a month since this feeling started. I would always wake up full of anxiety. I cannot forget those first two weeks where I would cry every day while preparing myself for work and after I finished another day and arrived at home, I would go immediately to my room to cry and just cry until I am too tired to cry. I had those thoughts, a gun on my head, cut my wrists, drink those liquids in bottles I can find in my room, but I resist. I don’t want to die. It’s not my thing. I just had those thoughts as a means of escape, but I just know I won’t do any of them. I couldn’t forget that time while going for work when even inside the public vehicle, I can’t help myself, but to cry. Even while walking inside the building towards my workplace, I want to stop and lean on the walls and just cry. I did my best to push myself while having so much tears on my face. I always think, maybe, I have this -depression. I don’t know if I have it. I haven’t been to the doctor who specializes in this field. I tried to buy fish oil. I read it helps. It somehow helps, but the cycle started again. It’s still here. I have to go through this again. It’s in my bones. It’s in my head. They are not going away. They are present in every cells of my body. I remember that morning when I just woke up. Everyone went to the wet market and while I was on my bed, I know it’s about to happen again. Just the very minute when everyone was away, I closed the door and can’t help, but to cry out loud. Something is so wrong with me. I always write on my notebook, help me. I wish someone could help me. I’m doing my best to survive. I hope I can survive. I want to be free. I want to genuinely smile and make deep connections with everyone. I want to be happy again. I want to feel the warmth of the sun on my skin. I want to see the colors of the leaves, clouds, and everything around me. I want to feel alive. I want to be aware of the life that surrounds me especially the life that is within me.
Walking Depression
Life is empty
Everything is
just existing
I just go by
In and out
through the motion
What the hell am I?
What is life then?
If I have to live
my life like this
like a robot
I am not meant to be
doing the same thing
everyday
again and again
Is this my worth?
I am, my soul,
My soul, I am
looking for something
bigger than myself
that which
makes me alive
To feel the touch
of full and
vibrant life
To feel that
I am truly living
I was born to live
I was not born to die
© Sarah Jane Amparo
Stress from hardships
I don’t know how to climb up
how to escape and release myself
from this situation, but
I will continue to try
I don’t want to give up
I’m still young
I’m still alive
My family and I are still alive
There’s no reason to give up
I’m still breathing
Just keep on trying
Just continue and stop procrastinating
Stop thinking too much
Just direct all your energy to that one
which will bring results
Results, that’s what you want
Progress, that’s the process
Action, that’s the first step
Act to make
progress to obtain
results
© Sarah Jane Amparo
Journey
She is sitting inside the van
She pays attention to the moving scenery
She tunes in to what her eyes see and her ears hear
The ambient is dark as the city lights loom
The road is silent as an unoccupied library
Shops are turning off as a body is in place to sleep
Bars and night clubs are now open like pack of owls from deep forest
Vivid lights along the road catch the eye like fire
Few people on the streets are in sight like a deserted town
The stillness of the night
The city lights
overwhelm her and
make her heart feel strange
Something she can’t figure out
It is reeling within her soul
Life, she thinks again about life
Her existence
Her death
The people who doesn’t actually give a fuck about her life
Those people and circumstances she should stop thinking
Her hopes, her dreams
The meaning of it all
One day, she will just melt into thin air
A voice taunts inside of her, “Drama!! Too dramatic!!”
She sweeps all those thoughts away
and wakes herself up on her journey to home
© Sarah Jane Amparo
**Featured image used from tumblr
Day Four of Writing: Intro to Poetry
Word prompt is Journey
Today’s poetic form or device is simile
Your Inner Child Is Saying Hi
There are jobs and activities that exhaust us and there are those that flourish our soul. We know we want something when upon the completion of work, it satisfies us in a way that it didn’t make us tired inside. We take pleasure of the result and while doing this thing, it makes us alive. It becomes the most natural thing to do for us because that is who we are and what we are designed to be. It springs out from our inner being and its potential radiates around us. When your passion meets the world, it becomes a fuel for change that touches the way people live, inspires the heart, and move people’s lives around you to the next level. We seek inner expression of ourselves to come out and reveal itself. When people continue to suppress this, it drains and dries us. We become like a fallen dry leaf shifting through the winds. And the next day you wake up, life now becomes a routine as if nothing is special and your sense of wonder of the things around you starts to become blurred. You become neutral in living your life and now trapped in living the mediocre life when you know deep inside yourself you can do so much more and enjoy a vibrant life. The common marks are weariness creeps into your bones, mind becomes jaded, body ended up worn out, and expression of distaste is often present that comes in many forms. Those who don’t recognize this leaves them feeling miserable then loathes the race they are in. Some turns out to be belittling others or consuming their energy generating harsh or destructive criticisms born out of envy and jealousy to those who they see shining in their chosen path and able to demonstrate their essential nature to the world. When uncontrolled, the person evolves similar to that of a monster who will keep on destroying and do everything to bring his/her target down.
Do not bury what you have always wanted to do. You may discover it early or a bit late, but when the time has come, take hold of it. Listen to your heart. What does it want to produce, to do, or to become? Your inner child is saying hi. Perhaps, you have been meaning to write a song, poem or stories, to travel and visit various places, to learn to play the guitar, piano, or any musical instruments and create some music, to sing and dance, to build a garden and grow different plants or vegetables, to raise a farm, to take care of stray animals, to draw and paint, to cook delicious foods or make new recipes, to put up a business or you are in love of taking pictures and creating videos, teaching kids, serving the public, defending the poor and the oppressed, designing clothes, houses or buildings, researching, gathering news, acting, running, cycling, and so much more. If you can’t pursue it right away, at least do it piece by piece. Just do not completely abandon your desires. Just like a little flower, do not step on it. Shower and take care of it. Let it grow and shine. A flower does not also rival with other flowers because every flower possesses its own beauty and it just blooms. Let your dreams come alive and not let them end up on the ground. Break those shackles and walls that stops you from doing it. Time will run its course and better be friends with it. We all have that one thing we want to do for the rest of our lives.
© Sarah Jane Amparo
** Featured image used was made by artist Erikuri
Life and The Road
I am walking along the road
where no people in sight
I can only hear the whistles of the wind
brushing the leaves of the trees and plants
and the occasional sounds of the passing cars
The warmth of the sun and the coolness of air
run on the surface of my skin
I stop for a while
and stay under the shade of a tree
I raise my head above and look upon the
color of the ocean and bright light
spreading in the sky
I gaze to my surroundings
and am drawn to its force of quietude
and so my lips
Tranquility washes over me
I am one with nature
I sink myself deeper
in the present moment
All the clutter I have in mind
glide to the heavens and vanish
What a rare occasion this is!
I do not usually sense this
from my mundane life
Can I stay longer and forever?
I relish the pleasure of the hour
Time calls for me to go back
I continue to walk
My eyes see only a few meters onwards
What lies beyond of what I can see
is an uncertainty
Maybe, that is all I need to know
Just like the road where I am
I can only see a few meters ahead
My encounter on the road tells me
not to project further of the future
not to dwell on the past
not to live on both worlds
but, to live in the here and now
And no, time does not call me it is time
to go back to my ordinary life
Time calls me to wake up
and savor the present moment
To pay attention on every life and things
that are set before my very eyes
To fasten what is right in front of me
It is I who fail to see
that every passing moment is
divine
Unleash the inner voice 