Writing is still my haven where I can express my innermost being. I think it’s intimate that I get to transfer this thoughts of mine into something tangible, alive, powerful, and moving. Words. Indeed, words have power. It feels good to write again. It calms me more than anything. I feel like I have a very good friend, so gentle whenever I write like this. I missed this sensation. I don’t know what you call it. But it’s like home. I feel the warmth. It’s warmth to the soul. That is what it’s giving me. Writing is simply coming to home.
What is your greatest fear?
You know what, my thoughts are all coming alive, strongly becoming alive during night when everyone is already asleep and everything is silent except my inner self. I find myself lying straight on my bed staring at the ceiling and thinking. And then my fears start to communicate with me. There are two things I fear the most: death of my loved ones and the fear of not being able to live the life I really wanted to live. I have something to tell you. I have this habit then whenever I suddenly wake up in the middle of the night, I will always check my mother’s stomach to see if it’s rising and going down. Same thing I do when my father is here, I will check if his stomach is rising and going down too. Same with my auntie. I’m so afraid of this thought of “them being dead” To me, whenever I see their stomach moving, that means they are breathing and alive. That happens every night. I told you, it becomes my habit for years now. One of my greatest fear. I feel like nothing when they’re gone. It will never be the same. My life won’t be ever the same if someone in my life will be gone. Okay, I’ll stop here now talking about death. My second greatest fear is not being able to live the life I really wanted to live. I’m 28 now and I’m not there yet. I’m afraid to get really old and regret in that old age the things that I should have tried while I’m still young. As I become older and older, I feel like the time is becoming faster and faster. Why I always feels like I don’t have much time? I mean, I always feel I’m coming to an end. That’s weird. I’m not dying, but I feel like “you don’t want to be so sure” Maybe because I always think we don’t know what’s going to happen next. Let’s go back. Things I surely want to do: Travel and enjoy vacation with my family. Just enjoy. Have rest. Explore places. See places. Be happy. And… I don’t know something came up on my mind right now, you know the camper van lifestyle? I wonder how does it feel? If I’ll try that one, I want to do it with my family. I want to have peace of mind. Being able to do what I really want freely and without worries. I seek peace of mind. Okay, that’s all and not forget animals. I think I have a mission on animals. Dancing, I like dancing too! And just be creative. That’s it. See you again tomorrow 🙂
I’m back
How’s everyone? The last time I wrote was February of 2017. I will go back to writing again. It is still through writing where I can express my innermost being.
Struggle with existence
Is it just me? Sometimes, when I lie down on my bed and think, I feel like my life has no meaning and purpose. I lack the motivation to live and I wonder why I end up thinking and feeling like this. Am I sick? It’s as if there’s nothing new, I mean I lose the wonder in everyday living and even if there’s something to be excited about, I find it hard to be happy. It’s easier for me to be lonely and sad. While I try hard to change my thoughts and teach my brain not to dwell on negative thoughts and emotions, I am overpowered by this dry spell. How long this dry spell will hold me? I thought I will start to feel alive by the time I quit that job, but it’s not enough. There can be a more serious reason and underlying cause which I have to figure out and treat immediately. I took out my journal notebooks and scanned through the pages, 75% of what I wrote is how sad I felt for over a year. I’m still writing and feeling the same thing. It’s a never ending cycle. I’m tired of living, but I don’t want to die.
Forgotten
I walk towards my workplace
My eyes turns suddenly
at the corner of the building
An old woman does something
on the green grass
She stands not wearing
anything underneath and
holds a little piece of
white fabric
I think I am right all along
when I handed you the bill
the first time I saw you,
I guess you no longer know
how to use it
You were sitting on the floor
looking at the road while
listening to the loud sound of the
passing cars or you could just be
staring into empty space
having messy and thick hair,
oily face, dry and grimy skin,
wearing shabby clothes
Looking deep into the windows of your
soul, it seems you are already
out of touch of the world you live in
Why you end up being a wandering mendicant?
What happened? What is your story?
What is going on in your mind
when you were still of sound mind
having to endure the pangs of hunger,
sweltering heat of the sun,
freezing cold night,
heart-squeezing loneliness,
homelessness, anxiety, surviving day
and night facing the unknown
and uncertainties of life?
How do you now see the world?
A world once full of joy and love
when you were delicate and young, but
has now turned into a dark place
You reminded of someone dear to my heart,
My mom, who I think is of the same age as yours
The later years of your life
won’t be spent with your loved ones
beside you brings immense grief
and melancholia
Early morning, I’m on my way to work
Will I see you again?
When I arrived, you are out of sight
I thought I would still see you
on the same spot, but not even
a trace can be found
As I’m writing this,
I hope wherever you are,
you have found a
better place to stay
and still safe
© Sarah Jane Amparo
Heart screams for another thing
It is 5:30 in the morning
She gets off from the jeepney
No one is around
Everything is still dark
except for the light posts
She walks in the silence of the dawn
She hears only her footsteps
She now sees few people walking
in the direction of the building
where she is going
She just keeps on walking
while looking into that
long pavement
Five more minutes before
she arrives into the office
A memory flashes in her mind
She was still studying
She was full of excitement, hopes,
and dreams
Now, she is walking alone
going to her workplace
All the excitement, expectations, and
hopes fade away
All of those thoughts she had
for her future flew and run away
This is reality
She starts to question her existence
The energy she is supposed to have
left her already just
before she starts the day
Her brain tells her legs, just keep on going
“I lost my identity”
She is just another human being
paid to do a job
stuck in a routine,
eight hours a day,
six days a week
“I’m still breathing,
I’m still alive”
This, she keeps on telling herself
but, it’s as if she fell
into a dark, deep hole
trying her best to survive,
climb up, and reach that
open and wide space
where she can breathe and be free
where she can be alive
where the excitement, hopes,
and dreams are restored
Moving closer to the entrance,
she is about to enter again
this structure, a box, with a group
of people following orders and will
be doing the same thing over and
over again for the rest of their lives
Her spirit wants to break free, but
for now, it needs to abide and be tamed
Her bones lost its vigor
The strength of her body is like
that of a sick person
Her mind accumulated high levels of
anxiety and stress
Her face has become a wilted rose
Her soul has become a fallen dry leaf
but, her heart is still dreaming..
A voice inside her is still dreaming
“I have to fight for this dream”
The voice says, “Expect a mediocre life
if you will do nothing about your dreams
and continue living within the norm”
There is no other time, but now
You are meant for greater things
Go and follow your heart
and so after few days,
she made a decision
It’s now or never
She gave the letter
She didn’t prolong the agony
it was a resignation letter
© Sarah Jane Amparo
It’s a Terrible Place to be
Two more hours and New Year is about to come. I am in front of the screen, crying. I always hope that I survive each day I wake up. It has been a month since this feeling started. I would always wake up full of anxiety. I cannot forget those first two weeks where I would cry every day while preparing myself for work and after I finished another day and arrived at home, I would go immediately to my room to cry and just cry until I am too tired to cry. I had those thoughts, a gun on my head, cut my wrists, drink those liquids in bottles I can find in my room, but I resist. I don’t want to die. It’s not my thing. I just had those thoughts as a means of escape, but I just know I won’t do any of them. I couldn’t forget that time while going for work when even inside the public vehicle, I can’t help myself, but to cry. Even while walking inside the building towards my workplace, I want to stop and lean on the walls and just cry. I did my best to push myself while having so much tears on my face. I always think, maybe, I have this -depression. I don’t know if I have it. I haven’t been to the doctor who specializes in this field. I tried to buy fish oil. I read it helps. It somehow helps, but the cycle started again. It’s still here. I have to go through this again. It’s in my bones. It’s in my head. They are not going away. They are present in every cells of my body. I remember that morning when I just woke up. Everyone went to the wet market and while I was on my bed, I know it’s about to happen again. Just the very minute when everyone was away, I closed the door and can’t help, but to cry out loud. Something is so wrong with me. I always write on my notebook, help me. I wish someone could help me. I’m doing my best to survive. I hope I can survive. I want to be free. I want to genuinely smile and make deep connections with everyone. I want to be happy again. I want to feel the warmth of the sun on my skin. I want to see the colors of the leaves, clouds, and everything around me. I want to feel alive. I want to be aware of the life that surrounds me especially the life that is within me.
Walking Depression
Life is empty
Everything is
just existing
I just go by
In and out
through the motion
What the hell am I?
What is life then?
If I have to live
my life like this
like a robot
I am not meant to be
doing the same thing
everyday
again and again
Is this my worth?
I am, my soul,
My soul, I am
looking for something
bigger than myself
that which
makes me alive
To feel the touch
of full and
vibrant life
To feel that
I am truly living
I was born to live
I was not born to die
© Sarah Jane Amparo
Job Misery
I don’t know
which one is worse,
not having a job or
having a job that
makes your soul
die everyday
Both are depressing
© Sarah Jane Amparo
Her Dream
She is scurrying along
the wide corridor of the mall
looking straight ahead when
she turns her head a little
on the left, her legs
suddenly lumbers
She catches sight of
series of books on display
She paused, moves forward, and
place her hands on
the mirror of the bookstore
She stands there with
tears on her eyes and
whispered,
“I just want to write.
That is my dream.”
Unleash the inner voice 